Holy crap. Holy Crap! Today was the first Valentine's Day since 5th grade that I haven't been a miserable pile of self pity! I think it was mostly due to a certain chap named Eric. No, not me. The other Eric. Lord, it sounds so weird to say to myself that I'm dating someone; that I have a boyfriend. Like it's not true, and I'm just making it up, or it's a dream or something. So odd. But I honestly have never met anyone who made me feel so comfortable that I can just be stupid and dorky and not be embarrassed about it. When I'm around him, the stupidest words spout out of my mouth, and I don't even care. For most of my life, I've been the guy who sits quietly in the corner, afraid that people will judge him if he says something dumb, but with Eric, I feel safe and comfortable enough to just forget about all that insecurity.
I can't possibly explain how good that feels.
And, damn, the chocolates he gave me are SO DAMN GOOD! He surprised me by showing up at my rehearsal. He's such a sweetie.
Well, "sweetie" sounds like I'm calling him a little boy, or flamey or something . . . hmmm . . . He's such a great guy? Nahhh, that sounds generic . . . Meh, whatever he is, I like it. ^^
This past Saturday, the Dundee theater's midnight movie was Interview With The Vampire. I went to go see it, of course, and it brought the whole vampire thing I was attempting to explain back again. That, and, damn that is by far the best novel --> movie adaptation I can remember seeing.
You see, Vampires are used as a vehicle for reflecting on humanity; on what it means to be human. With vampires, you have individuals who were originally human, but were transformed and thrust into a totally different world. They are permanently separated from their old lives in every way imaginable:
1. They can't live in the sunlight. This one is obvious, but has so many repercussions. After all, most of the working world revolves around daytime, when most people are awake. As a vampire, that person can no longer take part in in most of society. How can they hold a job when they're working hours fluctuate with dawn and dusk times? Also, nighttime has an aire of isolation in it. In the wee hours of the morning, the vast majority of the population is sleeping, and not around to interact with.
2. They survive by feeding off humans. People are a vampire's cattle; their food. How do you associate yourself with your food? Lord, this one just begs for sub-categories: A. People will fear something that consumes them. People who are afraid of you aren't too likely to want to include you. B. To hunt successfully, a vampire must keep his nature hidden. They have to live in secret, further withdrawing from society. C. A Vampire is feeding off of what they used to be. Like if we had to survive by eating babies. It's a truly horrific idea, and that horror of how they survive further distances them from humanity.
So, there are the major ways in which a vampire is separated from it's former life. Literally and figuratively, their lives are over, and they are forced to start all over again. This time, however, there is that sense of isolation. They can never really belong anywhere. They are alone.
One of the central ideas in Vampire the Masquerade(VtM) is that of The Beast. The Beast is the instincual drive in every vampire to feed. There is the constant desire and urge to drink blood, and how that is dealt with affects a large amount of gameplay. Does a vampire resist the urge and only feed occasionally? Does the vampire resist taking human life, only drinking a small amount of blood at a time? Does the vampire totally give in to his urges and feed wantonly among the populace?
Which path is the morally correct one? The path that clings to a long gone, former existance, or the path that embraces your new nature?
Is it our instincts and desires that make us human, or is it our reasoning and morality?
How does an individual deal with being completely separated from everything they've ever known?
How does an individual deal with being isolated in the midst of billions of people?
How does an individual deal with immortality? What would they do as the eons pass? Wouldn't they get bored?
How does an individual deal with superhuman powers? Do they use them for good, or use them selfishly? This brings us back to the instinct vs. reason question.
These are just the central philosophical questions that the vampire myth explores.
So, why am I so fascinated with the concept?
Well, for one, I've always been fascinated with nighttime. Everything just seems so much more real at night. It feels comfortable to me. It's hard to explain it farther than that. I tried in a blog a year or so ago, and I didn't get very far then either.
That, and I've always been an outsider; a loner; an outcast. All through my childhood, I kept to myself, and the few times I hung out with friends, I always felt like I was just tagging along. I used to feel isolated in the midst of hundreds of other people. I identify with the lonliness that these vampiric characters feel. Oh, occasionally I've found solace in someone like myself, and the lonliness was gone for a time. But after a short while, we part ways for various reasons, and I'm back to being by myself.
Not that I don't like being lonely. In fact, a large portion of the time, I enjoy being by myself. Hell, often I'd rather be alone than in a large group of people. It's just more comfortable. At my corn-sorting job, I was actually enjoying it when it was just me in the PCLab, sorting the corn, free to do my own thing. Before, when my superviser was back in the room with me, it just felt awkward. Sure, she helped with the work, but it was all just so much more relaxed when I was left to myself to get things done. At my current job, I enjoy working on the weekends, because that's when I'm there alone. It's more comfortable. Oh, I like the people I work with. They're really nice. But I just really enjoy being alone.
This summer and fall, I've been a hermit. I sat at home reading, playing videogames, being by myself, and 99% of the time, that's how I wanted it, and I was content. Of course, there'd always be the time when I'd say to myself that I should get out and socialize. But most of the time, I was just fine on my own.
These past few years, I've felt like I've needed some sort of metamorphosis; some breakaway from my current life. A need to just get out and away and do something different; become someone/something different. Yeah, I think the caterpillar ---> butterfly change is a pretty damn good metaphor for my feeling these past couple years.
So, I feel at home in darkness, I'm a loner by nature, I feel compelled to drastically alter my life, and I really get off to biting/being bitten. I identify so much with the struggles vampire characters go through. It's almost like reading about myself.
On that note, I'm going to head to bed. I might clarify more later, but I have to be up early for work.
You know, if it weren't for play rehearsal, I'd definitely take the graveyard shift at my job. Nighttime, and seclusion. What more could I want?
Eric 2/14/2006 09:59:00 PM
Comments:
So, yeah...
I'm so glad you posted. I'm glad things with Eric2 are going well. and they seem to be going well with you too. I miss you boy, all your loner-ness and everything, and I'm glad I live a goodly ways away from you, just in case you decided to come eat blood--jk.
Hey sweets--I have been DYING to hear how AUDITIONS went!! You are driving me crazy...I miss you! Call me or email...I just want to know what happened! I have been thinking and praying about you!
