Well, it's done. Last night I quit Final Fantasy XI. I uninstalled and deleted the game from my computer, and I typed out a long letter to my linkshell explaining that I won't be back.
I feel like shit.
I've been playing this game for three years now. Three YEARS. This wasn't just some videogame that I'll play for a month, complete it, and throw it on a shelf till I randomly decide to play it again out of nostalgia. This was three years of exploration, adventuring, accomplishments, growth, and getting to know a lot of really great people.
And I ended it.
Why the hell would I end it if it was so great, you wonder?
Well, you see, one of the underlying themes of Final Fantasy is that a diverse group of characters band together to accomplish a huge goal, whether it be saving the plant, overthrowing an evil regime, whatever. Final Fantasy XI was no exception. The thing with XI was that the people your character met, interacted with, fought beside, etc. where other real people from around THIS world. You could accompany someone from Japan, Europe, Australia, ANYWHERE in the WORLD. You'd get to know these people, build friendships, grow TOGETHER, and the reward at the end of the game would be THAT much more rewarding because you accomplished it with REAL friends, and not just computer controlled characters.
When this happened in Final Fantasy XI, those moments were the most rewarding video game experiences I've ever had.
When this happened.
You see, despite that being how the game was designed, those experiences were few and far between. You see, the main strength of transporting Final Fantasy into a massively multi-player RPG, was also the greatest flaw. Because the game encourages you to meet new friends and cooperate to overcome the obstacles in the game, you can't accomplish very much on your own. Even simple tasks like walking through a dungeon could require the assistance of additional, real-life people.
So what if there's no one around to help you? Then you're shit out of luck, and can't get anything done.
Therein lies the source of so much of my frustration with the game, and, ultimately, why I have quit.
But, hey, aren't there thousands and thousands of people playing at any given time?
Well, yes, there are. The thing is that those thousands and thousands of people are all off doing their own thing, accomplishing thier own goals. They may be trying to do something in the game completely different from you, thus being too busy to join you.
Or the simple fact that they don't want to complete the same goals in the game that you do.
So, not only do you have to find someone available, and someone who WANTS to do what you want, but they also have to full-fill certain requirements. Certain boss fights require people to be a high enough level to be effective. Some boss fights can't be entered unless a different boss has already been defeated.
To help with all this coordination, SqureEnix(creators of the game) provided Linkshells. Linkshells are items that allow all their owners to easily converse with eachother. This allowed circles of people to communicate in the game, no matter where they were, and they could coordinate activities, and just as importantly, converse and get to know eachother better.
The very first linkshell I was in was full of people MUCH higher in level than I was. As a result, they would all work together to complete quests in the game, but I couldn't accompany them because my level wasn't high enough. At that time, I didn't really have anything to do, but to level up my character and become stronger till I could contribute. Until then, I chatted with my Linkshell, and got to know them.
Well, after a year and a half, that linkshell ended up dissolving because of personal conflicts between members. It was unfortunate, but there's not much that could have been done. I still hand't gotten to do much with the members, so it didn't affect me too much.
A few months later, my brother (who I play the game with) and I were randomly invited to a new linkshell, full of different people. At first I was really nervous because I didn't know any of them. I didn't know if we'd get along, etc. Well, as it turned out, my brother and I really clicked with all of them. We became friends right away. They were all really cool people. Plus, by this time, my character had advanced in level enough to where I could start to work on the more interesting parts of the game.
And for the past year, that's how it was. I have gotten to know the people in this new linkshell very well, and they've become true friends to me. This past year has been especially difficult after leaving college. I was seperated from people I'd spent 4 straight years with, and suddenly I was by myself. My linkshell helped fill that void. I would come home from work or rehearsal everyday, and I knew that when I logged in to FFXI that I would have friends there, waiting to greet me, and do something fun together.
It really made me feel good. Even if I was having a horrible day, I could vent about it to my friends online. They'd sympathize, and joke around and cheer me up.
I felt like I belonged there.
I miss them already. I've been dwelling on this all night, all morning, and all afternoon. How can I leave these people who have been such good friends to me? How can I just abandon them? Shrug them off like they're nothing?
Fuck, I've been on the verge of crying all day today. How stupid is that? Crying because I quit a game?
Except it's not just a game. Those are real people I could be letting down. Real friends (despite the fact we've never met face-to-face) that I may never talk to again.
So why am I doing this again?
Because despite how much I care about them, how well we get along, we just don't have the same goals in mind.
I want to play through the storyline of Final Fantasy XI. I want to explore the world and learn all about it. And I want to do it with my friends. That's why I started playing this game; to have these amazing experiences with people I care about.
The problem is that none of them seem to want the same thing. Everytime I log in, linkshell members are all off doing their own seperate things. Every so often people will get together to do something, but for the most part it's been "every man for himself" lately. That's not the spirit of the game that I came to enjoy.
My own brother doesn't even want to accomplish the same goals as me. He plays to develop his character. He wants to max out his levels, get the best equipment possible, and make money to afford that equipment. That's it. His focus is on developing his character. The only times he follows the storyline of the game is if it's required to get a certain weapon or piece of armor.
I, on the other hand, develop my character for the sole purpose of completing the storyline. I don't need every stat maxed. I just want do experience the story.
While every person is different, it feels like most of the people in my linkshell lean more toward my brother's goals of the game. At best, they're just not very interested in doing quests/missions, and at worst, they hate them with a passion and adamantly refuse to have anything to do with them.
And it frustrates me. I mean, I can't do any of these things without them. I mean, I COULD, if I asked random people to help me. But then I wouldn't be accomplishing these goals with friends. I'd be doing it with strangers.
I want to experience this with friends, not random strangers. So, what am I supposed to do? No one I know, not even my brother wants to do what I want to do. My entire purpose of playing this game is voided because I simply CANNOT do it.
So I'm quitting. It's not worth the frustration of trying to drag people into doing stuff they don't want to do. It's not worth feeling guilty when dragging someone to help you while they don't get anything out of it.
It's not worth being upset with people I genuinely care about.
I know that if I don't cut myself off, I'll just log back in again, and experience the same frustration. I've tried to quit because of this before, and, sure enough, I was logging in a couple days later.
Hoping things would be different.
Hoping someone would finally want to explore the world with me.
Hoping to experience the story with people I care about.
But it's just not going to happen. I realize that now. So I have to cut myself off, or I'll just be more miserable in the past.
I'm already regretting it. I've accomplished a lot in the past 3 years. Not as much as I would have liked to, but, still. Three years of accomplishments are about to be erased.
Those accomplishments were important to me. The people I met, and friendships I made are important to me.
It's going to be really difficult to leave them behind.
I hope that maybe some people can understand.
Fuck, my birthday weekend shouldn't be this damn depressing.
Eric 8/18/2006 02:24:00 PM
