I've decided that I won't be auditioning for Graduate School this winter.
A) The application fees are going to be expensive B) The trip itself is going to be really expensive and most importantly: C) I honestly don't believe anything will come of it anyway.
I didn't really think anything would come of it last year, but I wanted to go through the whole experience of it. And when Eric and I went, I wanted to make sure we had a great time in Chicago, rather than focusing on my dry run of grad. school auditions.
I figured I would learn about the whole experience, what the people were like, what they were looking for, etc. And then I'd continue doing theater for the next year gaining experience to the point where I'd be ready for grad school and be accepted the following year.
Well, I just don't feel like I've gotten enough experience in the past year to help me grow enough to be ready. I feel like I've improved, yes, just not enough.
And that's just the skill end of it. I don't think I'm mentally prepared either. Acting requires concentration, which I'm horrible at, especially when I'm not on medication for it. It requires taking risks and making choices, which I can't do because I'm so terrified of being wrong.
I know I have the raw talent to be a really amazing actor. I can feel it in me, and it's come out on occassion. The problem is that I can't do it consistently. And training is what will allow me to do that. Until then, I don't feel confident auditioning for grad. school.
So, right now I'm planning on going to the summer-long traning session at ACT. There's an 8 week general course there, and that's followed by a 2 week course in the classics. I'd really like to take both, but I have to see what I can get loans for. After 10 weeks of intensive training, well, if I'm not feeling confident and ready by then, when will I?
The only thing is that I didn't audition for 2 BSB shows this year that I REALLY wanted to be in because I was setting the time aside for auditions. Well, now I'm just shit out of luck, I guess. I don't have any other shows lined up for the rest of the year, so unless I go to this training session in the summer, I'm really not going to have any experience to help me get better.
Then there's the part of me that is terrified that by putting auditions off for another year that I'm going to keep putting them off, or maybe just drop the idea of going to grad school altogether.
Sounds like you've hit that point where you know everything you need to in order to be a really kick-ass actor (not that you aren't already) and now you just need to forget it. Forget about concentrating, you already love acting, being a person other than yourself, the focus will come from your passion. Forget about taking risks and making decisions, worrying about being wrong is holding you back. If you stop worrying about decsions, you'll stop noticing when you make them.
Do whatever you want to that you think will build your confidence, I am by no means saying to never take another workshop or class again. But don't write off grad-school, either. Remember, no matter what acting instruction you recieve, acting is an art, and no one can give you anything more concrete than advice. In science, what works for you must for everybody. In art, it may only work for you, but that's all you need.
