So, if you're anyone, you can probably just stop right now. It's fine. I probably wouldn't want to read my own bitching if I were anyone else. Ugh, aaaaand the self pity begiiiiiiiinssssss . . . NOW!
Fuck, I'm sitting here thinking to myself, "seriously, what is the point of posting any of this? Is it going to make me feel better by getting depressing thoughts out of my head? Are people actually going to be interested in reading about how fucked up I feel? Is anything going to really change as a result of online bitching about it?" And I can't help but answer my own questions with: it's possible, but doubtful; maybe one or two; and finally, fuck no.
As anyone still reading may have realized, my self-loathing in the past few days has skyrocketed. Why? Well, I'll start with the short answer, but you can bet your ass I'll elaborate on it.
I feel like I'm pissing my life away.
*Cue Chumbawumba chorus of Tubthumper (with words slightly changed)*
What the fuck am I doing with my life? I work two shitty jobs that do nothing but frustrate me, and I'm so over-qualified for, it's not even funny. And to top it off, I'll be surprised if I'm still holding those jobs by the new year. Apperantly they calculate tardies at the Red Cross completely different from how they explained at orientation, and I'm one or two tardies from being fired. And at Xerox, they're annoyed with my varying delivery schedule. Well, excuse me for thinking that a job that A) told me they would work AROUND my schedule, and B) doesn't even have a static delivery schedule of its OWN, would be fine with me altering my deliveries by a day or two.
And even though those two jobs are beneath my qualifications, I can't really think of anything else I AM qualified for. It's been 2 years since my last science class. I can't hardly remember a fucking thing. How the hell can I apply for a job in my degree field if I don't even feel confident I can do it, myself?
Hell, Eric can get a job paying more than $14 an hour, and he never even graduated college.
And then, with acting, what am I doing for that? Not a damn thing. I put off graduate auditions because I didn't feel like I've gotten enough experience. So, in place of the auditions, I'm sitting around. I was going to apply for an "Instant Theater" thing at the Shelterbelt, but I put it off until the last minute, and then I realized I had no idea where my headshot was, so I didn't finish the application.
And now I have no shows to do for the rest of the entire year. I screwed myself out of 2 BSB shows by not auditioning when I thought I was going to do grad school auditions. One of those shows in particular, Translations, I was so upset over having to miss that I was almost in tears. Recently, however, it looks like not all the roles were filled, so Cathy went to ask people to fill them.
So, now, Chip and Eric are in a show both of them told me they didn't want to originally do. Chip was going to go be the lead in Our Town at The Grande Olde Players, and Eric was going to take a break from theater because he's been having such a hard time keeping up with everything lately. Well, Eric's now one of the two male leads and Chip is comic relief.
Am I bitter? Yes. Am I jealous? Insanely. Am I mad at them? No. I want to shoot myself in the fucking head for being so stupid about the whole thing. Cathy needed help filling out the roles, and they're just doing what she asked them to. Am I mad at Cathy? Not really. I don't know if I'd have been offered a role if she had KNOWN I'm not doing auditions, but now there's no fucking way.
I don't know. I just always get the feeling like Scott and Cathy couldn't care less if I was in any shows there. It seems like every time I go, they gushing over how much they like Eric, and how he's so great. And they offer him leads left and right and he doesn't even have to audition for them.
Fuck, is that what this is? I feel over shadowed by my boyfriend because he's a better actor, a better singer (don't even get me started on why I really don't like going to Kareoke), gets better jobs, is smarter, and hell, can even play video games better? I mean, if he's better than me at everything I can do well, then what is the point of everything? What the hell does he see in me? WHY is he with me, if he's so much better? I always get this voice in the back of my mind that tells me he thinks I'm a joke, and that my wanting to go to grad school is hopeless. I mean, if he's so much better, and HE'S not going, then what chance do I have? Hell, he's never even mentioned my OEA nomination. Is it because he's jealous and he knows he deserves it more than I do? And he does, I'll be the first one to admit it.
Or am I just afraid that he knows it? Or, if he doesn't, then he'll realize sooner or later and won't want to waste his time with me. Seriously, what the fuck DO I do except mope around and make him deal with my shitty family?
I wanted to post this for everyone to see, so everyone knows how good you are and why you are a good addition to my personality...
1) You're more generous than I am. You're constantly buying presents or little things for people.
2) You have a much better relationship with your family and your siblings than I've ever had with mine, and sometimes I'm envious of that.
3) You're better at understanding PEOPLE, and different types of people - especially younger people, kids...who are like aliens to me. I have no idea how to communicate with them, but you do.
4) You're far more relaxed than I am. I'm very rigit and uptight, and sometimes I let that get to me too much, but you're there a lot to pull me back into balance.
5) As for singing, you have way better breath support than I'll ever have. Yeah, I can blast away at tenor-ish pop songs in karaoke, but I've NEVER been cast as the lead in a musical - there's no way I could pull it off. My voice isn't sustained and clear enough.
6) You have a younger energy and less awkward movement than I do, on stage. I have my weaknesses, and movement is definitely one of them. You're much more free with your body and look more comfortable on stage. Cathy is constantly yelling at me to stand up straight or to use my gestures naturally.
7) You relate better to the normal crowd than I do. I've always constantly felt out of place around my own peers.
I could go on...sometimes it's hard for me to explain, though. There are areas about you that I know are stronger than mine, and I have a hard time explaining them because they're so mysterious to me.
But I wouldn't dream of being with anyone else. You understand me better than anyone I've ever met. You see my faults (I've even hurt your feelings with some of them) clearly, and yet you still accept me. You get my weird eccentricities, and you think they're cute, and that...means so much to me.
I know you're depressed, and I've seen it, which is why I've been so worried.
I want everyone to know that you deserve an apology from me, though - I haven't mentioned your Award nomination, and that's terrible of me. I'm so very sorry. I'm thrilled that you got it. Was I a little disappointed I didn't get anything? Yeah. But did I feel like I deserved it more than you? Absolutely not.
I watched your work in A View from the Bridge, and you grew in leaps and bounds. You did wonderful, and you DESERVE the nomination.
Just remember that I love you. I mean it, every time I say it you.
You too are so beautiful, I love you both so much and thank God you're together. You're comments make me cry because I envy you guys SO MUCH! And I'm so happy for both of you.
YAY!!! Yay for lovey-dovey talk.
Love you finger-length clitoris'd friend, Melanie
PS, I'm just kidding about the fingerlength clitoris thing. Eric made a joke about that in Macbeth and I wanted to sign-out with that disturbing image. Eeeeeeh.
