Well, Melanie, I just got off the phone with the guys at the astrological association. After several lengthly phone calls, and miles of red-tape, I managed to pull a few strings and got them to change the name of the constellation Ursa Major to Ursa Melanie.
Happy Early Birthday! I'm still waiting for the official documents to come in the mail. They will definitely be here in time for your birthday, though. ^^
Oh shit, I hope this doesn't ruin the surprise. Gaaaahhhh, who am I kidding, of course it does. Oh well. Too late now. We all know that I can't go back and delete what I type.
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
So, yeah, it's been a few months since I last updated. As usual, I've been meaning to, and, as usual, I never got around to it. It's funny b/c I would sit at my computer at the Red Cross for 16 hours a week, and nearly every minute, I'd be all, "I should so TOTALLY blog about that!" I even made up little lists of the stuff I wanted to discuss, or complain about, or whatever.
But yeah, none of it ever got done. Yeah, part of it was the fact that I didn't want to take minutes out of my free time to babble, but it was also because I feel that lately, I don't really have anything to say except to bitch about things.
And, really, who wants to read a blog where someone bitches all the time?
Hmm . . . now that I think about it, some of my favorite things to read are rant blogs. And I LOVE stand-up comedians because those are usually rants about stupid things too . . .
Ok, so maybe I like rants and ranting, but for some reason, I just don't think people care about what I have to bitch about. That, and I like to think that I have this blog more for personal introspection and such, rather than just complaining. I'm so stuck up, I know.
Anyway, whatever. I'm sure you've guessed that I'm currently at my play, and sitting backstage because I'm not on until 45 min. into the show. And you know what? You'd be right! Of course, for the past 3 weekends of this show, I've found other things to do while backstage, like napping, reading forums, or just plain lounging around and socializing with the rest of the cast. Phhhh, socializing? Who the hell does that anymore? I'm such a nerd.
But yeah, I realize I never actually told anybody about this play. I actually thought about telling people, but, I dunno. I just didn't.
First of all, I have got to be the worst person in the world when it comes to keeping in touch with others. I have so many my-space messages and e-mails and such that I just haven't responded too. And it's not that I don't think about all my college/high school friends, because I DO, it's just that I feel really awkward about talking to them, I guess.
I don't know why, but I always get this profound sense of paranoia when it comes to meeting up with friends I haven't seen in a while. There have just been so many cases where the person is just different than I remember, and it's like I don't know them at all anymore and I don't know what to say or anything. I guess, it's basically like I don't know them anymore. Like they're a stranger. And I am horrrrrrrrible at meeting new people, and meeting up with old friends is, from my experiences, nearly the same thing.
I know what you're thinking, "But if you kept in touch with them, they wouldn't be strangers!" or even, "You're just being crazy! Sure, they may have changed a little, but it's the same person!" And both are probably quite true, but it's just this anxiety, paranoia thing I have. I should try and get over it, I know. But I just HATE awkward situations sooooooo much!
So, yeah, that's part of why I didn't tell anyone about the show: I wasn't sure if they would really care enough to want to come. Yes, I know that people have TOLD me they want to know, but I'm paranoid! Sorry! I know I don't always respond to e-mails, but I ALWAYS READ THEM! Ugh, I'm such a hypocrite to be telling people to e-mail me, and yet not return the favor. I really just need to sit down and respond to people.
And, yeah, the other reason? Well, here's what my brother had to say after coming to see Translations: "So . . . when are they going to actually give you a good part? Every time you do a show there, you're on stage for 10 minutes and then you're done."
And, really, it's not something that has escaped me.
Now, I LOVE working at the Brigit St. Brigit theater. I LOVE the people here, and I think that we pull off some of the most polished, professional shows in the area. It's really a priviledge to be here.
But, well, I felt like I had to hold of grad school because I didn't feel I got enough experience to improve as a permormer. And right now, it looks like I'm going to have to put it off another year, simply because I'm not getting a whole lot of acting experience by doing little bit parts every 2 months.
Crap, hold on. I have to go do my 1st 10 minute scene in this show. I'll be back in about 15 min.
Ok, I'm back. So, yeah. I dunno. Shit, I hate it when I lose my train of thought.
I guess it all boils down to the fact, that I get the feeling that Cathy and Scott just don't have the confidence in me that I can handle a major role. And if good friends of mine don't have confidence in me, then it's really difficult to have confidence in myself. I mean, if I can't get a principle role over people who have no intention/desire to become professional actors, then maybe I should just quit and find something else to do with my life?
I'm being dramatic, I know. But, damn, I hate this kind of thinking because all it does is bounce around my head and make me feel like shit.
So, what do I do? Do I just continue on being their back-up boy who takes all the little bit parts no one else wants? I know that I'll have fun and get to perform with people I've become good friends with, and I'll get to be in productions I can really be proud of. And, of course, every experience is a learning experience, and, maybe 10 years down the road, I might have finally become seasoned enough to actually go on to grad school and then go on to actually make a living?
Or what? What else do I do? I tried doing a show at the Chanticleer last year, and it was an overwhelmingly negative experience. Well, the theater and the production were negative. I loved all the people I met, but it would take one HELL of a show to get me to do anything at the Chanticleer again.
I just really feel like if I want to actually get ANYWHERE in acting, I need to branch out, and I don't know where/how to do that. I need to look at this from a professional stand-point, and work on projects that will add to my resume and give me valuable experience. Right now, doing shows for fun, isn't going to make that happen. I don't FEEL like an actor. I feel like some punk kid who graduated from college and has no idea what to make of his life. I feel like some loser who is stuck living at his parent's house because he can't get a job to support himself. I want ti be independent and self-reliant! Hell, half the reason I CAN'T support myself and I CAN'T get a good job is because I have to make sure I reserve evenings for rehearsals for shows that AREN'T GETTING ME ANYWHERE IN MY CAREER! God, how screwed up is that?
Sometimes I feel like I should've just gone to med school. Right now is one of those times.
Eric 3/02/2007 07:26:00 PM
