Stress or Relapse? I just don't know what my deal is. This past week I've just felt so incredibly lonely. I feel like I don't have any friends, that I can't talk to anyone, that everyone is so distant.
And I know that it's not true, but this is just such a strong feeling of despair. I can't think of anything that has changed in the past couple weeks to trigger these feelings. It just doesn't make any sense.
I'm going nuts, I can tell. Here I am making a huge deal out of nothing. Fuck, I'm making a huge deal out of making a huge deal out of nothing. What the hell is wrong with me? This goddamned spiral of negativity is the worst sensation I can think of.
About a week ago I had an argument with some of the people I play FFXI with. The whole situation would take a lot of explanation, so I'll just simplify it by saying that they blew me off, making me feel unwanted and unwelcome, so my feelings were hurt and I left a spiteful rant on our group's website. Well, my rant offended them, so now they're mad at me, and if just felt like I couldn't go back to FFXI because there wouldn't be anyone there to actually do anything with.
I know it sounds lame that I was upset about being snubbed by people I only know from online, but these are people I've been chatting with for 2 years now. We "hang-out" on a more regular basis than most of my freinds in real life. And to be blown-off by them was a really big deal to me.
After cooling off for a few days I sent some apologies for my rant, explaining that it was all done in anger, and wasn't appropriate. Then I explained how what they did hurt my feelings so much and lead to the fight in the first place.
It's been a few days and I still haven't recieved a response from any of them. So now I'm all paranoid wondering if they just don't want anything to do with me, if this snub was intentional, or if they just simply haven't read my apologies yet. I don't really have a way of knowing, and it's driving me nuts.
So, I think that that's part of the problem, but it sure as hell doesn't explain why I feel so completely alone outside of FFXI. For some reason I feel like all the people I normally hang out with are sick of me and would rather not be around me. That they think I'm annoying or over-dramatic, or whatever. I don't know.take away people's joy and satisfaction that they earned and deserved.
Hell, I saw my friend Matt last weekend, for the first time in nearly a year, and the first words out of his mouth were to chastize me for not keeping in touch better. I don't think I got a pleasant word from him the whole time I saw him; just a bunch of bitching about how I'm a horrible friend.
And I still have all these people who've left messages for me on myspace, and for some reason I just can't bring myself to respond to them. I don't know why! I get all ready to do it, and I just sit there and can't think of anything to type. I can't think of anything without second guessing myself about whether they'll care, whether they're so mad that it's taken me so long to respond that they won't bother reading it anyway. Ugh!
Fuck
So now I don't even really feel like I have anyone to talk to, least of all about this. There is so much shit spinning in my head right now, and I'm too paranoid and depressed to do anything about it.
God, I hope this is just because I'm stressed about the show.
Fuck, I need to go to sleep. Being unconscious and NOT thinking sounds so good right now.
Eric 6/17/2007 11:56:00 PM
Eric, as you said I haven't seen you in a year. I don't know how you've been or what you've been up to. I was speechless for words. The only thing that came to mind is that I haven't seen or talked to you. You know I'm always there to talk to. I listen, I also read.
I wasn't saying that you were a bad friend, I was just trying to communicate that I wish we could hang out more. Yes, Eric... I miss seeing you!
-Matt-
P.S. I'm sorry if I came off as saying you were a bad friend, I did not mean it that way.
