I actually started this blog about 2 months ago, after Acrobat finished up. I had started describing how much the project meant to me, everything that happened during the process, and how parts of it continued to haunt me and affect me.
Basically, an introspective reflection on the show and yadda yadda yadda.
I never finished it, and I don't think I ever will. I scrapped it halfway through, saved it as a draft on blogger, and never got around to it.
Why?
I'm probably the biggest fucking drama king around, I swear to god. Life since Acrobat has been a huge fucking mess. Let's go with a re-cap:
Chip started actually kissing me back during the Arthur/Paul seduction scene in Acrobat, and because of that, my warped little mind warped even further and actually imagined that I had a chance at being with him.
Infatuation/crush on Chip started to affect me very dramatically during the month Acrobat performed, but, in a way, actually helped fuel my portrayal of Arthur's moodiness.
Infatuation/crush started spreading doubts about my relationship with Eric.
Dobuts/infatuation lead to me releasing tension with Brian and Kevin.
Brian and Kevin go through a bad break-up, probably directly b/c of my actions.
Chip offers to workout with me so I can get into shape for the first time in my life. Thus, after Acrobat concludes, I was actually spending MORE time with Chip, furthering infatuation/crush/doubts.
And, basically, that whole mess has been brewing for 2 months leading to a lot of frustration, heartache, and guilt on my part. After a few failed attempts at a discussion, Eric and I finally got everything out in the open. We both want to work on things. I have no idea how, but at least we're on the same page that we don't want to leave each other.
After growing increasingly close, Chip recently decided to pick up smoking again, after nearly 2 years of quitting the habit. Anyone who knows me knows how much I despise smoking. After confronting him about it, and seeing how upset I was, he said he was trying to quit again. For about a week, he said he HAD quit . . . Then, just last night,we were at the season-end party for the Shelterbelt/Snap theater. Chip showed up about halfway through, and 5 minutes after arriving, he promptly lit up a ciggarette. I noticed, stormed over and asked him what the fuck he was doing. He shrugged it off flippantly, and I stormed out of the party.
Eric was standing right next to him when he did it. Why didn't he stop Chip? Why didn't he at least mention to Chip the fact that I would freak-the-fuck out when I saw him smoking after promising me he'd stop?
I've been livid ever since. I can't stop picturing the fucking embers of the fucking ciggarette in his fucking hand. I was sooooooo close to shoving him, ripping the ciggarette out of his hand, or punching him in the face and creating a huge scene in the middle of the party. I was so close that I honestly don't know how I got out of there without doing any of that. I don't know how I didn't storm back into the party to do all that, after I had already left. I really think I might have if Emily hadn't chased me outside to find out what was wrong.
Thank God for Emily.
Anyway, I'm done with Chip. I can't stand to be around that. It's not just the fact that I think smoking is vile and disgusting. It's not just the fact that he broke a promise to me and betrayed my trust. It's not just the fact that he blatantly didn't care about upsetting me by lighting up at the party.
My psyche has been in fucking knots ever since my feelings for him began. It's fucking up nearly every aspect of my life, and I can't continue to live with it. For the longest time I told myself that a friendship with him was more important, and that I could be happy with just that, and that losing that friendship would be unendurable.
Quite honestly dragging my heart along the ground, chasing after someone who clearly turned out to be a different person than I originally thought, is not worth it.
So, I'm done. I'm no longer going to meet him at the gym, which really pisses me off. I mean, I was doing so well! I've lost nearly 20 lbs in these past two months. I'm actually looking like I'm in shape, and getting better every week. We started a 12 week program he found, and we're only halfway through, and I'm not going to get to finish it because he's a fucking moron. And, well, I'm a fucking moron for loving him in the first place.
Goodbye getting in shape! Goodbye self-esteem and confidence! Goodbye ever being comfortable enough to actually be an actor! I've tried so many times to workout and get fit and every single time I've failed after a couple weeks. The only thing that kept me on track this time was that I would look forward to seeing Chip every fucking day. Spending one-on-one time with him was my reward for getting out to exercise.
Well, fuck that. I'm done. I'm going to go back to being fat old lard-ass Eric. I'm going to throw my own health out the window all because Chip is throwing out his.
Fucking hell . . .
This is my first time on night-shift here at work. I'm on it all this week, and I think next week as well, but I'm not sure; they don't have the schedule figured out yet. I got here tonight, and everything was so quiet. It was nice. I've been here for an hour, and nothing has come in yet. From the note Tiffany left, there's only one thing coming in at all tonight, so I've got plenty of time to blog and rant and read and listen to CDs.
And think . . .
I'm in a break from theater right now. The season is done, and the next one for BSB hasn't even been announced yet. I've been filling up my free time with workouts. I mean, THAT was my activity for the summer- working out. By the time the season started, I'd be in dramatically better shape, and I could cut back on work outs.
Well, that plan's all shot to hell now.
Oooooh, sample. Be right back.
And it was only a grind sample. Easy particle size analysis. Took 5 minutes. There should be one more grind sample in about an hour. Then a composite sample after that, which will actually require a GC analysis. Then when that's done, I issue the finished product ticket to be made with that particular millbase. And I really have no idea if the guys in the plant will get that far before I'm off at 4 am. Really, one more grind, and a millbase composite is pretty damn easy work. Even if I end up sticking around for the finished batch, it's a ridiculously easy night.
Lots of time to think . . .
You know, I've been sleeping and napping and escaping a lot to keep from doing that . . .
As far as escapist entertainment goes:
I've been falling behind in my books. I seem to buy far more than I actually make the time to read. Of course, with doing these easy night shifts, I'm anticiapting on catching up.
I swear to god . . . every movie or TV show I see just reminds me of my own fucked up relationship problems. So much so that I've been avoiding them as much as I can. Fuck, just last night Eric and I went over to Brian's after storming out of the party. We sat down and watched some friends. Every single fucking character on that show had some problem that directly fucking parallels my own life: Ross and Rachel were breaking up because even though they love each other, Ross slept with another woman. Chandler decided to pick up smoking again after promising the rest that he'd quit. Monica was dating a guy who was perfect for her in every single way, but she wasn't attracted to him and was feeling guilty like there was something wrong with her because of it. And Joey was in a play with a woman whom he had a kissing scene with. The kissing affected his co-star to the point where both Joey and her were clearly interested in each other, even though the actress was dating the fucking director!
Fucking amazing. I made them turn it off after that episode and we watched The Descent. Which, you know, ALSO has a theme of cheating and betrayal by a close friend.
With videogames, I finally have my Puppetmaster to 75, although once there, it just seems so . . . dissappointing. I tried to do a dungeon with it the other night, and I was really displeased with my performance. It was hard as fuck to actually keep my puppet alive. And when it WAS alive, it's damage was real shitty. And the amount of EXP needed to merit my PUP to the point where it IS useful is just really daunting. And it doesn't help at all that our internet is under some kind of virus attack that makes it disconnect every 5 minutes. I get kicked off so much that it makes it impossible to get anything done in FFXI.
I was playing Folklore for the PS3 we recently got. It's an action RPG, that's very interesting. I'm sure I'll get more into that now that our internet is shot.
Eric and I have started playing FFVI together. I really like playing through games with him. It's too bad that this is the last FF that you can actually play together with a friend. Well, we do still have Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles, I guess. Although so far there's no story in that to speak of, and we got out of it when Acrobat stuff started. So who knows when we'll get back into it.
Battlestar Galactica has no new episodes till 2009 . . . and it's fucking cruel . . .
Stargate SG-1 is so phenominally dissappointing. Just really not a well made show. The characters are boring and flat. The storyline has no connecting plots. All good ideas are crammed into a 45 minute episode instead of being explored and made interesting. After such amazing sci-fi shows like Firefly, Battlestar Galactica, and Farscape (all of which have really well developed characters right from the start), Stargate is an amazing let-down. I really hope it gets better . . .
Ugh, fuck. It's 11:30. I have 4 and a half hours left. Really, I don't have much else to talk about except to go into detail about Chip, and I'm trying as hard as I can to get him out of my head. This whole stupid situation is putting Eric through hell too. I hate that because it's 100% my fault and I really don't know what I can do about it. He doesn't deserve this shit.
Ok, fuck thinking and reflection. I'm going to go read my book, Wastelands. It's a collection of short stories about the Apocalypse, and life after it- such a fitting parallel to how I feel in my own life right now.
It's like everything I've known for the past 3 years is crumbling around me and I'm about to start all over again . . .
Eric 5/17/2008 01:25:00 PM
