I don't know what to do. I feel like every possible choice is the wrong one. I have no idea what's best for me in the long run.
The past couple days have been absolutely miserable. I can't get Chip, or my anger/frustration at him out of my head. Nothing holds my interest. I've been religiously checking and rechecking my e-mail and phone to see if he's left any messages. I'm going nuts to the point where I've just been laying in bed all day long, hoping to fall asleep so I don't have to think about the situation any more.
Of course, even sleep is betraying me; I'm literally dreaming about the little fuck. I had two seperate dreams involving him smoking or us fighting that I can vividly remember, and I don't commonly have vivid, memorable dreams.
So, being unconscious doesn't even distract me from this emotional hell.
After getting my phone fixed (replaced, actually, much to my annoyance, but that's another story), I had 5 seperate voicemails he left me for the past 2 days. Every single one was asking me if we were going to workout and asking me to let him know. The final one was him hoping to catch me on my way to work last night. He didn't say why- and it obviously wasn't about working out since he left the message after finishing his own workout.
Monday he sent me an e-mail asking the same thing. The e-mail, frankly, pissed me off because it was very formal in nature. He wanted to "verify" if we were working out, and could I please call him or respond to the email, and then signed it with his first and last name.
I didn't respond, even though Eric sent me an e-mail telling me I should- that I shouldn't let something like this dissolve a friendship.
I know I went into the reasons I'm so mad in my earlier post, and they all still stand. But now Chip is acting like nothing happened. There was no, "are you doing alright?" or "I'm sorry for upsetting you saturday" or anything like that. Just "are we working out still?" like it's entirely my fault if this falls through.
Fuck, is it?
Yeah, I know I'm taking the smoking thing more personally than I should. But he KNOWS how much it upsets me. Whether or not my being upset is rational, for him to completely disregard that, is, simply, not something a good friend would do. And, to top it off, to not acknowledge what happened, let alone offer an apology or try to talk about it.
I even told him the other week that if I could understand why he started again, I wouldn't be so upset about it. He still didn't say anything.
Last night at work, I had nothing to do but sit around and think some more, so I ended up responding to his e-mail. I basically said that I didn't know what to say to him, and that I was upset and didn't know what to do.
I sent that to his work e-mail at 3 am, so it was in his inbox by the time he got to work.
He didn't respond until 3 pm. All he said was, "Ok. Well, let me know if you want to start working out again."
That's it. That's all he had to say. No, "hey, why are you upset?" No "what do you mean? Can I help?" No "I'm sorry for upsetting you last Saturday." No, "You should stick to working out because you're doing really well so far." Just an "ok". And for some reason, it took him nearly a complete workday to respond with it.
What the fuck? Am I being unreasonable to expect him to have an actual opinion on something? Is it? Does he want me to workout with him? Does he think it's a good idea for me to continue working out? Is he mad that I'm upset with him? Is he annoyed or frustrated that I'm being so moody? Is he smoking again because he knows about my feelings for him and he's trying to drive me away?
What the fuck is it!? I need more to go off of than a casual dismissal of what I'm going through.
Either open the fucking door or slam it shut. Don't leave it cracked open, taunting me.
Burn the fucking bridge or put out the fire next to it so it doesn't ignite.
I'm so mad, I keep trying to think of new metaphors for the stupid situation.
When someone tells you they're confused and don't know what to to, you don't respond by telling them to figure it out by their fucking selves . . .
Really, is openness and honesty too much to ask for, even in a platonic friendship? That's what's so damn frustrating right now. Because my feelings for him are so different from his for me, I really don't know what my expectations should be. Am I frustrated because I'm not getting a connection that will never be there? Or do I actually deserve some sort of connection, and I'm pissed because I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall?
I want soooooo badly to e-mail him back and tell him to fuck off, what an idiot he is, and what an asshole he's been; that he can go to hell, and I hope I never see him again. You know, just to get a fucking reaction out of him. If he told me to go fuck myself, at least then I'd have some sort of validation for my anger, you know? At least I could say, "well, there ya go! He's a prick, and I really AM better off without him!".
I want soooooo badly to just tell him everything- to get it all out in the open. That I have really strong feelings for him and that those feelings are making me hyper-sensitive to everything he does, and that I don't know how to get them to stop except by avoiding him except that avoiding him causes me so much goddamned pain. Then he might understand. Then he might see and apologize and open up . . . and no, that's a fucking fairytail. I might as well say he'll look deep into my eyes and tell me he feels the same way and we'll to riding off into the fucking sunset.
Christ . . .
Ugh, you know all he would have to do is just tell me what to do, and I'd do it. A simply, "meet me for a workout" and I'd be there. A simple "I'm sorry for being an ass" and I'd forgive everything in a heartbeat. I'm that pathetic and eager to forget all this.
But he's not fucking giving me the slightest fucking reason to do so!!! Anything! I just need something from him so I know how to proceed. This fucking speculation and assumption is what caused this whole fucking mess to begin with.
Chip, just fucking TELL ME WHAT IS ON YOUR MIND!!! What do you want!? What do you care about!? Do you care about ANYTHING!? Any-fucking-thing around you? Do you care how dissappointed someone you recently described as one of your closest fucking friends is in what you're doing to yourself!? Do you care at all that your stupid-fuck decision is putting that supposedly close friend through fucking emotional hell? Do you!?!?
So, yeah . . . what the fuck do I do? Quite frankly, the idea of not working out and letting all the results I've gotten so far be for nothing, depresses me almost as much. Eric, Brian, Alex, and even Tiffany have said something about being willing to workout with me, but I honestly don't really think it would work out.
Do I just grit my teeth and ignore everything just so I can continue to work out?
Do I confess everything to him?
Do I avoid him completely until either he apologizes or my feelings fade away completely?
I don't fucking know. Each option includes awkwardness and frustration for sure, with the possibility for extreme awkwardness and hurt feelings. Each option leads to the potential final end to any sort of friendship we have.
Fuck, in situations like this, all I can do is pray. I don't do it all that much, but I have to believe that things will turn out for the best or I'll just go slash my fucking wrists.
So, God, which is it? What do I do? What was the point of this whole mess? What was I supposed to learn from falling for straight friend #4?
And how do I get out of this with my sanity intact?
Because I really can't afford anti-depressants or therapy right now . . .
Eric 7/02/2008 02:51:00 AM
