I'm not really as . . . over things . . . as I thought I was. I dunno. Isn't there supposed to be some series of stages for reacting to bad news? Like disbelief, then anger, then guilt, etc, etc? Fuck, I don't even know what order they go in, let alone where the hell I'm at. Whichever stage that's beyond anger, moves into self-deceptive apathy, which has recently broken and now at . . . at . . . ?
Fuckin' split personality shit is where it's at . . .
Let me back up.
. . .
At Shelterskelter auditions, when I heard that Laci was showing up, I started shaking so bad I couldn't fill out my fucking audition form. I haven't shaken so badly from rage since . . . Well, since the day at work when I found out Laci and Chip were making out backstage after my seduction scene with Chip, actually . . . Anyway, when she finally showed up, it was like I could only make myself look at her out of the corner of my eye. I could tell where she was in the room at all times, but I just couldn't make myself look AT her. Like the opposite poles of two magnets repelling each other.
It was in the middle of my mini fuck-she's-here-fuck-fuck-smash-her-face-fuck-fuckity-fuck fit that I noticed someone else walk into the room (also out of the corner of my eye). As a refelx, I looked up to see who it was. It was kind of weird, but when I looked at him, it was like my brain couldn't process what I was seeing. Time seemed to slow down and freeze while I tried to form the connections in my brain that would tell me what I was looking at.
I looked up. Our eyes met. Recognition finally kicked in. And I quickly forced my gaze down to the top of the table, my rage suddenly gone and replaced by intense confusion.
It was Chip.
It was like my brain went stupid. It just shut down. I went through my first bout of auditions in that confused haze, like I couldn't grasp what was going on around me. At least, after a while I was able to put them out of my mind, and I actually started enjoying the audition process.
After auditions were done, I said "hi" to some people I hadn't seen in a while: Monica from Acrobat and Chris E. We were just sitting there in the room, catching up, when Chip came up to the three of us and asked how we were all doing. It was another case where I saw him out of the corner of my eye, and I was just compelled to force my gaze to the floor. Chris and Monica responded, I didn't. My brain resumed it's muffled haze mode, and I didn't even recognize what there were saying. Whatever it was, it was very brief, and Chip walked away again.
Now, I'm probably inflating my own self importance, but Chip was only in one show with Chris, and their scenes were in totally opposite parts of the play, so I never really figured they'd talked or hung out much. As for Monica, she was helping out with Acrobat, but was one of those people Chip was polite to, but never really went out of his way to converse with.
So, considering the phone conversation we had a mere two weeks earlier when I had to hang up the phone b/c I couldn't stop crying, why would he choose to go out of his way to say hi to two people he's only had, at most, limited contact with, when I'm clearly already engaged in conversation with them?
As pissed as I was/am at him, I just can't believe he'd do something malicious like force his presence on me. I assume it was his way of "testing the waters", because he seemed to back off fairly quickly after not getting a response or so much as a glance up from the floor from me.
Anyway, he walked out, and I stayed behind to talk to people a bit more in the hopes that Chip and his whatever would be gone by the time I went to my car. Unfortunately they were hanging around outside as I left (smoking probably? It figures), so I just hurriedly passed the group, but turned around to say bye to Caitlin as she called out to me.
Needless to say, when neither of those two were at the Shelterskelter read-through, I was relieved, and even a bit smug. Served them right, I thought.
Well, fast forward to last week, and I was sitting around at rehearsal, waiting to rehearse something, and our stage manager Melissa was looking at this pamphlet advertising Fashion Week. Morbidly interested b/c I knew of Laci's involvement, I looked through it as well. Flipping through it, there were clothes ranging from beautiful to artsy, unwearable gimmicks. One picture in particular jumped out at me: a woman wearing nothing but boots. I distinctly remember thinking to myself: "gee, if they're trying to draw attention to the boots, they sure are failing . . ."
After flipping through and not seeing Laci's name on any of the pictures, I looked at the fine print and saw that her line, co-produced with Kevin (of Kevin and Brian fame, which I honestly don't remember if I blogged about THAT fiasco- but I think I have) was called Threaded. Flipping back through the booklet, guess which design from Threaded was featured?
You guessed it- the whore in boots. Looking at the picture a second time, I could tell from the mouth and jaw line that it was Laci, further fueling the "whore in boots" opinion. I mean, seriously, she's not showing off her design, she's showing off her body. It was slutty, and tasteless. If you want to show off boots, then take a picture of the fucking boots! You wanna make it sexy, then maybe show a little thigh- not a total fucking nude shot. Christ . . .
Anyway, other people in the area also commented that it looked like Laci, and that there sure was a lot of naked Laci going around lately, so they weren't even shocked by it anymore. I don't remember exactly what was said, but it was implied that Laci was in the late night show following Shelterskelter, Lighthouse Eternal.
Which were were all cautioned at auditons that it contains nudity . . .
HA! IT fucking FIGURES, right?
So that night spawned another wave of Laci loathing. I actually had a dream about her that very night. The details are fuzzy, but I think we happened across eachother on the sidewalk outside the Shelterbelt. We got in some sort of arguement, her mocking me, and me, unable to express my rage in words, I simply wrapped my fingers around her neck and started squeezing. I specifically remember thinking how easily my hands fit around her slender neck, and how easy it was to strangle her, and that, if I wanted to, I knew how easily it would be to just snap her neck. But I was enjoying the gradualness of the strangulation. Oddly, at the same time I was all, "oh my god, am I really dreaming about killing someone, and oh my god, am I enjoying it?" I was horrified at my lack of horror, rather than the actual act, if that makes any sense.
At some point Chip came out and started yelling at me and trying to get me off her, and all I did was laugh back and scream, "So THIS is what it takes to get a rise out of you? Not the one I wanted, but I'll take what I can get!!!"
And that's where the dream ended.
I still don't know if I should be horrified at myself, or to just shurg it off as a dream . . .
Getting better? Ha. I think not . . .
And finally, we come to this past Thursday. I showed up at rehearsal and found out that the posters for the show were done! They're really cool, despite the brightness of them. It's sort of a classical type of look. It's interesting. Anyway, the Shelterskelter promo posters weren't the only ones finished.
Lighthouse Eternal posters were done too.
Right smack on the cover, in all his chiseled, shirtless, muscular hotness was Chip . . .
Then I just got really pissed off. Some potent mixture of multi-tiered jealousy, cynical scoffing, hurt pride, and a pang of realizing that Karmic justice was not, in fact, done. Then, suddenly, the realization that I was going to be in close proximity to them with the coming tech week, and then with the run of the show, my nerves were shot, and the pissed-offness mellowed out to another numb haze.
Rehearsal ran late, so I was still there when LE people started trickling in. Anna, my wife in my 2nd scene, gave me this floofy thing and had my put it on like a dress. I was this red, feathery thing, and I put it on an paraded around in it being goofy. In the middle of that, the door opened, and when I saw a girl with platinum blonde hair and a short guy with dark hair walk in with her, my blood froze. Someone in my group said something, and the other people laughed, so I lauged too. But it felt hollow, so I tried to laugh harder, and it felt even more hollow. I dunno. I just had this desperate need to shut out the fact of their arrival. I needed to shut it out and at the same time appear to be preoccupied until they went into another room.
I honestly didn't even see their faces. I saw the tops of their heads and shifted my vision elsewhere, all the while tracking them out of the corner of my eye. Almost at the height of my forced, fake laughter, they walked past me.
Laci reached out, and stroked my shoulder with her finger. "Hey, Eric" she said. I froze, unresponsive, and she walked on.
I wanted to break down bawling right there. It was everything I could do not to race out of the building with tears streaming down my face.
She touched me. She said my name. In a . . . not "timid", maybe a cautious tone would be the best way to describe it. But whatever it was, it wasn't spiteful. Not prideful. Not antagonistic. Not bitter. Not resentful.
It was warm.
Half of me wanted to break down right there. The other half wanted me to turn around and grab her and hold her and apologize and just make everything RIGHT again. Go back to what it was like when we were friends. When we cared about eachother.
Both halves were firmly resisted. Soon after, Anna and I did our scene, and I left the building without seeing the two of them again, corner of my eye or otherwise.
So, what the fuck? I'm so conflicted right now. Part of me is as full of rage about it all as I've ever been. A few hours after the encounter at the theatre, I was day dreaming about how I should've turned around, ripped her finger off my shoulder and snapped it off her hand.
Last month was my 25th birthday. When I woke up in the morning, I took a shower. I was really upset that morning. My fucking birthday started with me being depressed that I wasn't going to see Chip on my birthday. I sat down in the shower, wishing, hoping, and praying that he and/or Laci would make some guesture on my birthday. Maybe a phone call, or a text, or an e-mail wishing me a happy birthday. Something. Anything. If they did, then I resolved that it would make everything ok. If they wished me a happy birthday, I'd forgive them and start things anew. I checked my phone and my e-mail religiously that day. While I got several well-wishes from friends, none of them were from Chip or Laci. To be honest, I actually had a really good time with the people I was with that day, and it was still a really nice birthday.
But the very next day I deleted the both of them from my cell phone. I couldn't stand scrolling past their numbers in my contact list when trying to call other people. I didn't want to be reminded of them every time I wanted to use my phone.
A few weeks ago, my friend Sirenia on FFXI showed me a video of a Quebecian comic. I thought it was really funny, so I looked at some of this guy's other videos (Jon LaJoie, if you're interested, he's hilarious). Anyway, one of his music videos reminded me so much of Chip, that I HAD to show it to him. It was bugging me for 3 days before I finally broke down and e-mailed Chip the link to the video. I didn't say anything (not even explaining why I was sending it) just sent the link. A few days later, he responed thanking me and saying that it "cracked him up".
Then, last week was his 35th b-day, and again, I was depressed because of how things are. Fuck, I had a present picked out for him months ago- In Bruge. I just know it's exactly his kind of movie. I know he'd really like it. And it hurt really fucking bad that I couldn't get it for him any longer. At the end of the day, I sent him a happy b-day e-mail. "Happy 35th motha-fucka", the inside joke that Jon LaJoie's video reminded me of. I couldn't bring myself to actually say anything more. It was actually the very next day when I ran into them at the theatre. I still haven't recieved a response.
So, I'm fucking torn. I know that I don't really have a say in who either of them date. I know that their being together doesn't really affect me. I know that they shouldn't make themselves unhappy to satisfy me.
I also know that Chip specifically cancelled our workouts because he felt that they interfered with his time with Laci. He broke a commitment to me because of this. Then he lied to me about it. That he lied to protect my feelings isn't really the issue. He was dishonest, and never apologized for it, or apologized for breaking a commitment he knew was extremely important to me. Hell, before we resumed working out again after the first break, I ASKED him if he thought we should continue working out, knowing my feelings for him, and he WANTED TO CONTINUE! HE WANTED TO! He straight up told me he didn't want us to stop working out. And BAM-fuckity-BAM a week and a half later, he 100% cancels them because he found some pussy.
Am I wrong in thinking that's a really shitty way to treat a friend? Am I wrong in wanting an apology or some sort of acknowledment that he fucked up the situation and made it much worse than it had to be? He could have been honest, told me what's going on. Maybe suggested cutting back on workouts instead of just canceling them altogether. Just something other than shutting me out and not bothering to try and fix what's broken.
And this doesn't even touch the whole leading me on to get to Laci thing. That's a whoooooooooooooooooole seperate issue that he needs to address and atone for.
Really, right now my opinion of Chip is just not very high. I once believed I was in love with him, but that's mostly gone now. He's just simply not the person I thought he was. He's weaker then I thought he was. He just can't be relied on for anything. At least nothing that you should be able to rely on a good friend for.
Even though all the romantic feelings have either died or withered beyond recognition, I still have these really strong feelings of . . . lust, I guess? Maybe part of it is the rage, but I don't even know if an apology from him will suffice any more. It's like I need to possess him. I need to have him. It's almost an obsession, but not quite. I just want to fuck his brains out, out of spite. Of revenge. Out of conquest, even. A "fuck you, I'm going to have you anyway" kind of thing. Like an angry sex session would put us on equal footing again. Maybe a masculine power/domination thing. I don't know. That type of thinking actually worries me more than my murder dreams. I guess because those thoughts are there during the day and I can't just blame my subconscious . . . ?
On a slightly related note, since early this summer, since discovering craigslist, I've been (almost obsessively) scanning the personals ads on it. Not because I'm looking for anything myself (although the pics are fun to look at sometimes), but because I've been checking to see if Chip has been looking for anything. It's stupid and crazy and paranoid, I know. Not only because it's such a far shot and a stretch, but, well, it's kind of stalker-ish, in a way (Christ, am I admitting I'm a stalker?) Anyway, last week I ran across some ad for a 34 year old "str8" guy who wanted to experiment with a guy for the first time. The pic included was from a distance, and he had a hat on with his head down, so the face wasn't very visible . . . but the body, the shirt, the shorts, even the barely visible jaw instantly made me think of Chip. Hell, the background of the pic could easily have been Neihardt park just up the hill from Dana. It's still a stretch, I know, but it just made me think . . . You know, it's amazing how many people just assumed that Chip and I fooled around. There were at least 3 specific occasions I can think of where I had to correct people about that.
Fuck, we recently got the Acrobat DVDs back. For a while I refused to watch them because I didn't want to have to face that particular scene. After being bugged by Eric to save a copy on my harddrive, I finally did watch some of it. And, of course, you can probably guess the first scene I skipped forward to . . . Holy fucking hell, half the pornos I've seen don't have kissing that passionate, I swear to God. I can WATCH him attacking my face with his mouth. And, of course, my reciprocation. It honestly seems excessive for the tone of the scene. It's supposed to be a genuine passionate kiss, but it looks like, well, a the intro to a fucking lust-driven porno. Christ . . .
Actually, just now I'm wondering what it looked like when Jeremy and I had our make-out scenes . . .
Meh, I'll look later. Back to my point.
I'm pretty much wrapped up on how I feel about Chip at this point. Laci is similar, but different, I guess. I also put a lot of trust in her, and she also lied to me and shut me out like Chip did. I guess the only difference is that she knew exactly how it would affect me. She knew first hand how much I felt for Chip and how much it was tearing me up. She knew better than anyone what her relationship with Chip would do to me. And, BAM, she went ahead and did it anyway. I keep wanting to call her a whore, but every time I think it, I realize that I don't really think of her as a whore so much as I just want to call her horrible names. If she had been honest about her feelings for him to begin with, things would not be so bad now. If she had come to me and explained what was going on with her, things would not be so bad now. If she had just acknowledged the fact that I was hurting, things would not be so bad now!
God, that's what all this comes down to: I want acknowledgement that they hurt me! I want them to apologize for the way they acted. I want them to explain to me that they didn't do this purposely to hurt me. I know they didn't, but it still means something to have them say it to me; to take that extra step, put forth that extra effort to protect a friend's feelings.
You know, it's always struck me that it's always the people that are the most similar, that grate on eachother the most. People that can be so alike, but the slight differences drive disporportionate wedges between them. I swear to god, Laci is like myself in a woman's body. And Chip is who I would probably be if I was straight. Our personality similarities are what bonded us from the beginning. It's also what makes this current situation so volatile. Their failings remind me of my own. Afterall, anything that Laci or Chip have "done" to me doesn't begin to match what I've put Eric through throughout this whole mess. I've treated him so badly the last few months; not on purpose, but out of neglect. Out of avoidance. I was never totally honest with him, and when I was, it was because he forced it out of me b/c the damage had already been done. I owe Eric so much more than Laci and Chip ever owed me, and I fucked up so much worse than they did. God, I don't know how Eric didn't listen to all those people and leave me.
Love, I guess. It's another one of those conflicting feelings- guilt and happiness- that I know someone loves me even when I put them through emotional hell.
I just don't know what was wrong with me. What IS wrong with me. I guess there are just times when you get so depressed that nothing and noone matters besides making yourself happy and digging out of that depression. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or justified in that.
I suppose, though, that the fact that I've genuinely expressed remorse and tried to fix things with the person I've hurt makes an important distinction between my own actions and those of Chip and Laci. I'm genuinely sorry for what I did.
