The Whos Down In Whoville Like Pussy A Lot. But Eric, Who Lived Just North Of Whoville . . . Liked COCK!!
There, Scott. Just for you. ^^
Anyway, yeah. So after my last post, things have improved dramatically. That night, Joe noticed I was upset, and we had a good talk. I was finally able to cry, which really helped relieve a lot of pent up emotion. Yeah, I was really bad that night. The first time I've seriously been about to hurt myself. But thank god for Joe. It was just another reminder how incredibly difficult this depression thing is. How I can know that something isn't right with how I'm feeling. I can know I'm not in my right frame of mind, but the depression and the emotions it generates are just so overpowering that I don't know how to deal with them. I'm incredibly curious as to why my meds no longer seem to help. It also doesn't help that I'm out of them, so any help they may have given me will be gone in the next week or so. I also need to see Sharon again.
But things are better. My frame of mind is so radically different now, its hard to imagine I'm the same person. As to why I'm better, I have no idea. I guess it was Joe, but it's surprising that a talk with Joe makes things all better when talks with others doesn't accomplish anything.
Moving right along, the musical is actually coming along pretty well. For the first time ever, I enjoyed performing it. Maybe it has to do with my new frame of mind lately. In fact, now that I think if it, I'm sure that's it. Anyway, its really starting to come together, and I'm not nearly as embarrassed about it. I still can't wait for it to be over, but at least it won't be the torture it once was.
My weekend was pretty good. Choir on Saturday was fairly painless. Tabby's birthday dinner was enjoyable even though I hardly saw Tabby at all the entire time. As a side note, the Applebees in Fremont sucks compared to the Applebees in Omaha. Well, their management and policies are all paranoid and completely un-customer oriented. It was like being at a different restaurant. Sooooo not going there ever again. From their ridiculous seating proceedures, to their unneccesarily extensive alcohol policy, to their declaration that they no longer sing happy birthday, they dissappointed all of us there. Boo to the Fremont Applebees. But our waitress was nice. Yay for her.
I also saw Shaun of the Dead, which was a great movie. Both parts horror and comedy, it really is my kind of movie. One particular death scene at the end was rather . . . gruesome, but other than that, I loved it.
But yeah, I've had some rather . . . interesting developments in a few of my relationships with friends. All of them today, surprisingly. The first is Catie. I just want to say that I truly love Catie. She cheers me up just with her presence. She is a truly special person, which is why it hurts me soooo much to see her in pain. We talked on the phone for nearly 2 hours. She's been so upset lately, and I understand exactly what she's feeling. Its the same thing I feel. The same reason I was suicidal last week. She's depressed. I know it. I want to help her so bad, but I don't know how. She refuses to get professional help, but I can't think of any other alternative. Her friends at south can't, or won't, deal with her anymore. She feels so alone. I understand so very, very well. It feels like I'm the only one there for her, and I feel like I am woefully inadequate for the job. I mean, I don't know what to say, or what to do when I am feeling the exact same as her! I can't say, "Wait and you'll find someone. Things will get better," when I don't even believe them for myself half the time. I'm terrified I'm going to fail her, and I can't stand the thought of losing that girl. We're too similar in a lot of ways.
And tonight, she was feeling bad again. And I really just couldn't help her. She's feeling down and doubting herself, and I can tell that she needs to be reaffirmed. Just like I do, but I just can't do it all the time. Its so emotionally taxing, and I have so much to worry about keping my own moods stable, that I just worry about cracking or something. And if she's relying on me, and I collapse, she will too. I don't want that to happen. Catie, I want to help you more than anything in the world. I'm just scared I won't be able to. I really hope you understand. I can only tell you that I will try as hard as I possibly can.
And it was this development that lead directly into the next one. I was discussing my insecurities with JP, when he burst out that I'm "over-dramatizing the situation." And that "who cares if you don't want to deal with catie's shit?"
That really, REALLY set me off, and proceeded it be what seemed like an eternity of me ripping into him. Telling him how selfish, and heartless and arrogant he is. How he acts like nothing's important. He's told me himself he can't take anything seriously. And when dealing with people like Catie, and myself, that is very very damaging to others. When Catie has a problem, JP acts like its not important. So Catie sees this and further demeans herself because of JP's reaction. And JP just writes it off that she's crazy and is over reacting, and just plain doesn't care. He's said as much. And I called him on how shitty of a thing that is to do.
When I first met him and we were hanging out, I remember how he would constantly tell me how people pissed him off, how stupid they were. How much better he was than people and they weren't worth his time. And I can't help but wonder where he gets off saying those things. How is he so much better than everyone else that he feels he can just dismiss thier feelings and toy with them. Yes, toy with them. I watched him play games with people over IM windows. Lying to them, promising them things he knew he wasn't going to do. And he thought it was funny. He thought it was funny how they were hurt. He showed me pictures of people he has in his wallet. He doesn't know them. He just took the pictutes becaues the people in them look mentally retarded, or look funny in some other way, and he laughs at them.
Its sick when I look back on it now.
I'm amazed I was able to actually say everything I said. I usually hold back in instances like these. I usually care what the other person will think of me after I say them. But I didn't in this case. JP just pushed me over the edge when he blatantly told me he doesn't care that someone he calls a friend is potentially suicidal.
And once I didn't care what I said to him, sooooo many things became clear. Like the afroementioned IM conversations and pictures. The world isn't fun and games. It's not some fluffly little place where the only people who are unhappy are defective. Sometimes things need to be taken seriously. He just doesn't see that.
He also didn't have anything to respond with but sarcasm and name-calling.
But at least now he can't complain that I didn't tell him. Because I did. I told him everything I had on my mind. And I don't regret it because he needs to hear it.
The conversation ended on an awkward note. I'm not sure whether to believe what he said, or to think he's just trying to further manipulate and toy with me like he has to so many other people. I want to believe him. And I feel guilty for even having the doubt in my head. But its there, and he has no one to blame but himself. I want to believe there's good in him. I really do. I want to believe that he isn't an asshole on purpose. I want to believe that what I saw in him for the brief week we were together wasn't a lie.
Which brings me right into #3, Matt. From the very beginning, Matt never trusted JP. He never knew him, really. He just read the things JP has had to say in my journal, and from those, he just has had a very bad feeling opinion about JP. He was the one who told me about all the things I just ripped into JP about way back when I was enthralled with him. Matt is an incredibly perceptive person. Hell, just the things he told me about the other night that he had observed were amazing. Anyway, Matt and I also had a talk this evening that got serious. I really don't know what to say other than that hurting people is what I am more afraid of than anything in the world. I can't stand the thought of someone being depressed or upset by anything I did. Even if it wasn't intentional. The guilt tears me up. But I think Matt and I are going to be ok. We got some things sorted out, and I think we're better off for it. I truly value his friendship despite how short a time we've known each other.
God, this has been an emptionally draining evening. And I still have my Physiology test tomorrow to study for. Yay for transcription and action potentials! If any of you can actually explain those to me, you get a doughnut! I'm out before I go crazy.
Eric 10/04/2004 01:16:00 AM
