Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, christ, what a nightmare. The past couple weeks have been nothing but one stupid twist of fate after another. The great wheel of life has definitely been on the downturn lately, and I just hope I can hang on till it starts it's upswing.
First there was Acrobat being post-poned. Our performance space had it's assembly permit revoked a week before we were supposed to open because of numerous fire code violations, essentially making us unable to perform for any kind of audience at that space for fear that the building will catch on fire and we'd all die. After a week of hell, combining the stresses of tech week with frantic searching for a new theater to perform in, we had no leads, and had to post-pone the show till the following weekend. Yet another week of hell went by, yielding no further leads, and forced us to post-pone indefinitely until we can find a space. Well, now that it's been post-poned, a good third of the cast has prior commitments for the rest of the summer, meaning that if we DID find a space, we'd most likely have to replace several cast members. So, I really doubt that it's going to happen this summer. I mean, I WANT it to, but I very much doubt it.
And it's just really really shitty that after rehearsing our asses off for 2 months, we don't get to perform the damn show. We've been trying to put this show on for an entire year now. Really, you wouldn't think it's so difficult just to perform a play in this city. Hell, I hear about local playwrights getting stuff staged all the time. So why the hell won't any of the theaters around here let Eric do his play? It's so damn frustrating.
In addition to the Acrobat fiasco, I've been trying to organize this summer acting training through ACT for the end of August. Way back in April, they e-mailed me and asked if I wanted to attend. I was all, "hell, yeah, I do!" and all feeling excited because they remembered me and actually seemed to want me to come.
So I got my application and everything sent in well before the mid-May deadline. Right before the deadline, and nearly a month after I originally sent everything, I get an e-mail saying the check bounced, and I needed to send another before they could process my application. I was frustrated that my Dad had written another bad check (especially since I had given him the cash when he wrote the check, so it should have been in the bank) and also wondering why it took ACT so long to let me know I needed to send another check. Anyway my Dad decided to send a money order this time, and everything should have been fine.
Well, about a month later, I still hadn't heard back from ACT, and I was getting anxious about finding a place to stay for the 3 weeks I'd be in San Francisco, and if I'd be able to afford it. I remember it took them a rather long time to get back to me about the bad check, so I e-mailed them and asked if my application was processed and everything and if I could get some more info about the program.
They replied saying they never got my money order, nor my letter of recommendation . . .
Well, I checked with Cathy, and she sent it, but she said she'd send it again. Then I had Eric write a check, and I sent that in a couple days later. I was really surprised that ACT didn't recieve either of them , and also that I hadn't heard anything from them about the matter and had to ask after them about it.
Well, my dad took the money order reciept back to get a refund, and Western Union told him that the money order had been cashed . . . Gee, that's interesting, especially since ACT told me they never recieved it, and since it was made specifically out to them, no one else could have possibly cashed it. This means either A) ACT is a cruel, twisted organization trying to cheat me out of my money, or B) they have shitty record keeping.
I really don't think it's A, but B being true really doesn't impress me very much. Anyway, I had Eric put a stop payment order on his check we sent. That was about a week ago. By now ACT has definitely had enough time to either realize they had already cashed the money order and contacted me about it, or they tried to cash the check, realized they couldn't, and contacted me about the check not going through again.
So, here we are, nearly 2 months past the deadline, and they still haven't processed my application, haven't given me any info at all about the program, nor about where the hell I'm supposed to sleep for 3 weeks. So I'm just saying Fuck It. This is just ridiculous. I really wanted to go to this thing, but ACT isn't even trying.
So now, here I am. I didn't audition for grad schools this past winter because I didn't feel I had grown enough as an actor to be ready for them. Specifically because last summer Acrobat was post-poned and I felt like I needed the experience of performing such a significant role to prove to myself that I really was ready. And now Acrobat has been post-poned yet again. But I still figured that since I was going to this summer training program, that it would give me a taste of what grad school would be like, and not only would I get some more formal training, but I'd also be able to better gauge how ready I am. And now that's fallen through as well.
So where the hell am I? Everything I've done for the past 3 months has, essentially, been for nothing. When going through rehearsals for Acrobat, I felt so BORING. I wasn't feeling anything. I felt like I was just going through the motions and being fake and annoying and I didn't know what to do with my damned hands, and all the things I hate in bad actors. Was I really doing that badly, or was it paranoia? I don't know.
I hate not being able to gauge myself! I hate feeling, deep down that I have all this talent and potential, but never being able to use it! Never knowing if what I'm feeling is real, or just some dream my mind refuses to let go.
I go to all these plays and I can't help but think to myself, "wow, these actors really aren't all that impressive. I could do just as good if not better than them, and I haven't even been to acting school yet." Yet there they are, getting paid acting gigs, and here I am, pissing and moaning and moping and procrastinating. I read glowing reviews for shows I can't help but think are mediocre, and then I read mediocre reviews for shows that I think are great.
I know it's all subjective, but I need something objective! I need to know where I stand, because my head is too fucked up, and I feel like I can't trust my own opinions. I'm one of those people that desperately needs to be told how I did after a show. It's not because I like puffing up my ego; it's because if no one says anything, then the only conclusion I can draw is that I was so uninteresting, either no one noticed I was there, or they're too polite to say I sucked.
When I don't get feedback, I get paranoid. I suppose it's a character flaw. I'm just so terrified that my personal opinion is wrong, that I cling to the opinion of others.
And that's what it always comes back to: I'm terrified of being wrong. Again and again, everything I do suffers because of it. I can't explore and try new things as an actor because I'm terrified I'll do something dumb. I can't apply for jobs because I'm terrified of being wrong. I can't even converse with people or make new friends because I'm terrified I'll say something stupid.
And acknowledging this doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I know it's an irrational fear I have, but I have no idea what to do about it. And that just makes me feel like more of an idiot.
So, yeah, it'd be great if I could go back to Sharon and my psychiatrist and, you know, actually get treated for the crap that's wrong with my head. Fuck, it'd be nice if I could get everything wrong with my physically fixed. But, no, I don't have insurance, so I can't actually afford doctors of any kind. Let's look at a list of all the shit that's broken and I can't afford to make better:
1. depression (see above rant) 2. eye-sight (no eye exam in 4 years and my vision is obviously worse- I have to squint to see some things) 3. My left ear feels eternally plugged. It's difficult to hear out of most of the time. 4. Continual sensation that something is stuck in my throat. It's been there for at least 3 years now. 5. My wisdom teeth are coming in with a vengence. My lower jaw has been aching for the past 2 weeks, and I have to move cheek tissue out of the way whenver I eat anything because it gets mashed in my wisdom teeth, and it hurts. 6. Yup, still bleeding where I shouldn't be. Yeah, it's been 7 years. No, after going to the doctor about it a couple years ago it never got better. They just called it "irritation" and left it at that. Yeah, irritation my ass. And that's not supposed to be a pun >.> 7. I'm still overweight. I still can't stand it. I can't even stick to a fucking slim-fast diet because it leaves me so hungry, I just eat more at other times.
This wisdom tooth thing is definitely at the top of the list, and it looks like I get to spend all the money that was going to go to ACT on getting my teeth removed. So even if ACT hadn't dropped the ball, I'd have had to back out anyway, and that pisses me off. I still wanted to make a trip to San Francisco so I could hang out with Bethany, and have a vacation, but after this, I dunno if I'll have enough money. I've been lucky that the Syngenta job has lasted this long. It looks like I'll get at least another week or two, and Aerotek seems to be very interested in finding me another place to work, so I'm holding on to that. And so far I've been cast in a couple of lead roles for Brigit St. Brigit. They look like really great roles, and I'm sure I'll learn a lot through them. I just hope it's enough to instill enough confidence in myself that I can do auditions this winter.
Lord, life goes by too fast. It all just needs to slow down, because trying to keep up with it all is incredibly exhausting.
And I'm really worried that pretty soon I'll be too exhausted and fall behind . . .
